Normal Direction

Narrator: We're going to tell you about the time Normal became a Movie Director.

Normal: Who's this we crap?

Narrator: -sigh- You and me.

Normal: you mean you and I.

Narrator: Normal, must we do this every time? Can we not just tell the nice reader a fun story about your peculiar life. A story that while seemingly impossible truly happened and affected a great many lives.

Normal: So you want to lie?

Narrator: excuse me?

Normal: none of it ever happened. None of this is real, you know.

Narrator: Well.. Of course it is.

Normal. Nah.. My life, this dialogue. It's all just some dude's imagination. He's probably pulling this all out of his ass as he goes.

Narrator: Alright then, lets get back to your story and off this crazy train you hijacked at fish point claiming the purple pancake paradigm was controlling your actions.. Again.

Normal: You don't know! The PPP is real! That rampaging rhino down Main Street Chicago was not my fault!

Narrator: It was. Also that's another story. Besides I thought none of this was real, a moment ago.

Normal: ........ Shut up. You bodiless windbag.

Narrator: Yes, yes, very well. On with the show. I'll get things started. Please ignore that off color display just now reader. I assure you this is just how he is.

It all started when Normal got called by a temp agency. They had a custodial job for him on the lot of a big movie studio. A masterful studio that brought to life the magic tales of "The Sourceror". The joke horror known as "Hydrophoebe" a rather bad story about a girl in a world covered in water. A world where titular lead Phoebe makes new scantily clad friends each iteration, just in time to run, scream and then be eaten by dinosaurs.

Normal: Hey, those movies are awesome, and collectively made over 80 billion dollars, also boobs.

Narrator: Normal, can we please keep the fourth wall up for at least three paragraphs, hmm.

Normal: That didn't feel like a question.

Narrator: Did it now, wonder why. Moving on then?

Normal: 'Kay.

Narrator: In typical "Normal" fashion, he showed up on the lot and hadn't bothered to learn anything about who to talk to, nor where to go. Normal spent the next four hours walking around the studio. Feeling either to stupid, or arrogant to ask anyone for directions. In a rather ironic twist tourists started asking him directions. So many in fact that after a few good lies and diversions Normal had inadvertently made himself into a tour guide. Normal showed this strange gaggle of humanity around a studio lot he himself barely knew much of. He'd always been a great bullshitter though. He began referencing any bit a trivia he felt appropriate to any inquiries.

A cute Japanese woman asked him if they were filming the sequel to a famous Ninja movie nearby. He had no idea so in his best broken Japanese he managed to say the studio had to film elsewhere due to the pirates and werewolves. At least thats what he thought he said. His answer seemed to intrigue and befuddle her.

Normal: Hey I figured all those Bruce lee, Jackie Chan and Godzilla movies taught me enough.

Narrator: Yeah Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan are both Chinese. Only the Godzilla movies were Japanese and you only saw the English versions.

Normal: Wait, what?

Narrator: As he continued to show these tourist around they eventually found themselves at the studio wing that was in fact filming the Ninja movie called "Ken no kakikomi", which means Sword Writing. The people at the studio wing were running around busy and frantic. As the tour lead by Normal approached a woman in a headset with a clipboard ran up to the Japanese woman in the group. They began conversing in Japanese at a rather hastened pace. After a few moments of this a couple of strange looks in Normal's direction. The woman with the headset grabbed his arm and pulled him into the studio.

Inside the studio were all the expected trappings one would expect, cameras, sound booms, catering tables, people looking important even though they weren't. A few men dressed as ninja, a couple geisha something Normal could only guess was someone dressed as a zombie octopus. A micro phoned headset was thrust upon Normals head. Something was yelled in Japanese, all the ninja disappeared into the set, the geisha took up places, the zombie octopus stayed right where it was. The room went silent, a few moments pass as Normal notices everyone seems to be staring at him. The Japanese woman from before taps Normal on the shoulder. Now clad in a Samurai kabuto armor.

Normal: Only woman I ever loved!

Narrator: what about your wife JessiMae?

Normal: uhm, er.. She doesn't count and you know that!

Narrator: you still said the vows, told her you love her.

Normal: You're such an ass! You know that was to avert a bombing.

Narrator: alright, your first wife Henruella?

Normal: Dead people don't count.

Narrator: She's not dead, you know that.

Normal: Dead to me.

Narrator. Very well, I guess your husband Francis doesn't count then either? How about the twins?

Normal. I SAID woman, so yeah, Frank doesn't count. The twins don't count cuz they're kids, different kind of love. Get back to the story you Git!

Narrator: She whispered into his ear "They are all awaiting direction, Mr director". Normal clearly froze upon hearing this, she then whispered "action" without thinking Normal said action. It seemed he had cast a spell with the word. The ninja flew from the shadows, the geisha disrobed to reveal their true demonic forms, the zombie octopus... Stayed where it was but kind of flailed about. What followed was this Japanese subtly giving Normal suggestions. Then him still in a strange state of shock submission he actually directed a movie.

Normal: Wait, you aren't going to tell them the awesome bits I put into the movie.

Narrator: You added werewolves and pirates into a beloved historical... Esque movie about feudal Japan.

Normal: You mean awesome Werewolves and badass Pirates!

Narrator: The movie you made was so bad the publisher sent it directly to DVD.

Normal: But what happened next?

Narrator: Well... The Japanese woman and normal got to know each other very well.

Normal: No no, we already established that happens. What happens with the directing.

Narrator: Fine, the movie sold well enough and gained a cult following that a major television company had you direct and write five more movies.

Normal: Five amazing movies, that all starred Sean Bean!

Narrator: One critic put them on the same list as such "amazing" movies as, Bloodrayne, and Videodrome.

Normal: Neither of those played at the budget cinema while ive been alive. So, never saw them.

Narrator: That should tell you enough about them right there.

Normal: They were too good for budget cinema?

Narrator: ....... Normal never really realized the fact that the japanese woman.

Normal: Why arent you using her name?

Narrator: I hadnt noticed I wasn't.

Normal: Yeah, you just keep calling her "Japanese woman". Which is weird, wonder why uou were doing that.

Narrator: I am unsure, maybe, just maybe that guy you were speaking about before. The one writing this all didnt have a name for her yet... Hahaha.

Normal: You mock me, but your just called "Narrator", so that idea isnt too far fetched.

Narrator: You know my name as well as I do.

Normal: I do not, because you dont have one. You just think you do.

Narrator: Of course i have a name, everyone has a name. It's Nar.. No, Na.. Er..

Normal: Normal never realized that Jun was actually pulling the strings getting him the directing gigs, as well as influencing the writing. They had become quite close, having made sweet sweet love mulitple times. Normal was such a good lover that Jun often had to get a body double just to get a drink of water.

Narrator: What the hell are you doing?!

Normal: I was telling my story, you seemed stuck by the fact you dont have a name.

Narrator: Well you're doing it wrong!.... Also I have a name, but i feel now is not the right time to share that with the reader.

Normal: Yup, thats the reason.

Narrator: It is!... Normal often dreamed that he was an amazing lover, to the point he didnt even notice that Jun wasn't always "there". She had had her identical brother stand in for her at times. But obviously not enough to make Normal notice the penis in the room, other then his.

Normal: ..... Huh...

Narrator: She was off correlating a study she decided to do after finding the opportunity in Normal to do it. This study was one she had pondered for awhile. Having been an actress since she was a child she had met and known many a director. Many bad, but seemingly their movies always seemed to come out and look okay. Provided everyone else did their jobs above board. The editors needed to keep a keen eye, the actors all needed to know their roles, so on.

Normal: I still get some credit for showing up!

Narrator: Jun had made Normal's directing career an experiment in manipulation and subeterfuge. But in the form of a documentary. Her film, In-direction, got high marks and made her an extremely sought after actress slash director. Normal went on to meet fun folk like the creator of Troma, Uwe boll, Michael bay, and other directors that mostly say to blow things up and put more ketchup on stuff.

Normal: Good times.